My Secrets, My Nightmares

Posted: July 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Every night I lie awake, pondering about what dreadful mistake I will make tomorrow based on the ones I made today. I think of the failures I have done, the ones I’m doing, and the ones I will do simply because failure is inevitable. What is the point to look towards the new day dawning at the crest of the continuous sky when all there is, are dark and stormy clouds towering and expanding as vast as the sun’s rays? When someone asks me of what I dreamt about, I usually say nothing or some fleeing memory of happier times. What I don’t tell them, what I keep inside, is the truth. The truth is, I dream of death. I don’t mean to dream of death and who means to? I dream of such darkness because it is ultimately what I fear the most and to conquer the fear, you must face it head on. So there is no point in looking for that ray of sunshine because the forecast is a gray-cast clouds for as long as I exist. Fear what you dream so that you get it over with because fearing death is like fearing to breathe, while we don’t want to think about it, it is truly inevitable.

My nightmares are not always death, sometimes it can be happier things like having friends or finding love, both of which I never excel at, but in all honesty, never commit to trying. When having friends, you only want to think about how many things in common you have with each other and how entertained you are in each other’s company. What you refuse to think about is the fact that in five or ten years, you will most likely never talk to them ever again for one reason or another. The similar aspect goes for relationships, while you’re stuck on cloud nine, I would ponder the successfulness of what is to come and how soon it may all wither again to nonexistence. However, it is not like I try to make this happen, I just become realistic at the most inconvenient times and question “now that it has started, how long until it ends?” By asking this, I do not mean that I would want it to end, after all, why start something if you don’t care about breathing life into it? I only mean that the probability of failure is relatively high given that I am featured in the equation, and that is the problem, me.

Along with death and happiness, one more fear is my secrets, the things I know as fact, but only other people know as rumors in the wind. Some of the things I know can destroy me simply because it would turn everyone against me. While I am not entirely too afraid of this, simply because it has already happened, it is not something I would gladly look forward to. Everyone knows a few of my secrets because in some aspects, I am an open book. However, most of the time, there are things that I keep secret so no one knows. Things like: What really led to my sophomore year of high school being so dangerous?, or Who do I really blame for my parents’ divorce and the grudges that still linger over a decade later?, then there is the one I fear most, what kind of monster am I since no one knows?. To know the answers to these questions and many like them, you would have to know me better than I know myself. My secrets are the nightmares locked in the dark and creped corners of my heart at which are only accessed during my darkest times and may never see the light of day. My secrets are my nightmares. My nightmares are my monster. And my monster is me.

“The whole blear world
of smoke and twisted steel
around my head in a railroad
car, and my mind wandering
past the rust into futurity:
I saw the sun go down
in a carnal and primeval
world, leaving darkness
to cover my railroad train
because the other side of the
world was waiting for dawn.” 
 Allen Ginsberg

To Spur, Two Spur

Posted: July 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

So for the July 4th weekend, I went to Spur, Texas, for a family reunion. It is one of my favorite parts of the year because I get to escape the city life and catch up with family that I just recently got the chance to know. Due to my dad’s grudge against my mom’s family, I never really got the chance to grow a relationship with her side until about a year or two ago. These people went out of their way to make sure we were doing great from afar. Like it practically made their day if I ran into them somewhere and actually said “hi”. Like you don’t find family more caring than that. There’s always something to learn from family reunions that you just can’t learn elsewhere, other than the five-hour road trip to and from Spur. For such a small town, it has created big memories. I guess this is where the advice or smart part comes in, in three parts: 1) Never try to light 2 fireworks next to each other, one will fall over before exploding; 2) Avoid the tea when stirred by a hand, no matter how clean it is; 3) If you go to Spur without having a Dixie Dog, well bless your heart.
 
“To get to Spur, you must go two Spur.”

In about the early 20th century,  there was a circus elephants who killed her trainer and a few other guests.  In response,  the owner decided that hanging would be the best death. So they led Mary out to a railroad,  tethered a foot to the track and hoisted her up by a chain around her neck. Then when the chain broke from the overwhelming weight,  Mary fell and broke her hip.  Another part of the problem was that her foot stayed tethered to the railroad. Afterwards,  they hoisted another chain on Mary and successfully hung her.
If this doesn’t bother you,  then how is this different than a cat or dog being hung? While this is an extreme case,  circus elephants go through various tortures through being poked by bull hooks in sensitive areas,  forced into unnatural positions to perform tricks, beaten until they perform out of fear,  shackled and crammed into tight spaces no bigger than the average car for up to 20 hours a day.  Often their cages are not cleaned everyday so they are left to stand in their filth constantly. This is truth of the circus after the fun is had and the lights have faded. At the end of the night,  it isn’t the clowns who are truly unhappy,  it is the elephants.
So how do we fix this problem? Protests and boycotts. Protest by publicly showing that the circus is wrong for humiliating elephants for profit. By boycotting,  the circuses lose money and lose chances to torture these beasts. They shouldn’t have to be tortured to make us happy.

Politically Stupid

Posted: June 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

I find the world of politics interesting.

 If you look at the spectrum, you have the very liberal Democrats who are for raising taxes, free healthcare, prochoice (as long as you don’t choose to be a Republican), strict gun laws, women’s rights, equality for all, less emissions, and no fracking. Then you have your basic Democrats who still want to bask under the umbrella of the New Deal/Fair Deal, but aren’t as demanding as liberals. Followed by the moderate/conservative democrats and Independent party. They usually don’t want the association of either party, but still agree in bits with both. Now you start to move to the conservative side with the liberal Republicans (or RINOs/Republican in Name Only) and moderate republicans, followed then by your standard conservative Republican who usually is chill and doesn’t hate much. Then there’s the Tea Party. These “think too hard” Republicans try to separate from the GOP and want no taxes, private healthcare, guns to tote freely, gays to be cured, Atheist to shut up, women to stand behind their man, and brag about how much they know about the Constitution. It’s amazing how they even tolerated Romney and the Mormons. I see the Tea Party as the modern day Sons of Liberty. They over analyze the situation and want to revolt every time the President does something they don’t agree with. Its not like liberals are better, but they just cause destruction and annoyance through protest in the Occupy movements.

Really, both sides claim they want to “better society” when they are looking out for their own interests, not the people. If we really had a political party that looked out for the people, there wouldn’t be a need for constant attack ads or arguments. Plus, some things that would improve the country, government has to do without the will of the people. A democracy is a two-edged sword because while it is important for the people’s general interest to be heard, the people don’t always make the right decisions. People need to stop being so high and mighty about things. Things like equality for women, rights to an abortion (when necessary), at least a federal option of healthcare (not mandatory), and a quicker route to citizenship need to change with less of the people’s consent. However, marijuana control, tobacco products, taxes, environmental control and emissions, and the “for the better of society” stuff needs to be left for the government sans people. As much as I sound like I want more government, I’m not trying to be so. The truth is, Americans are stupid. We forced the creation of the Temperance movement only to tear it down. The best part about the United States is also its worse, the people rule.

This is probably the most annoying question you can ask someone who works and the food industry. Yet we get it all the time. I was actually asked this question twice today which is really weird considering how I come across it personally.

First of all, you cannot have a discount. One, if I barely know you, you should know it ain’t happening. Two, if you haven’t talked to me in awhile and only asking if I work today to see if you can get a discount, then no times infinity! I get that you are broke, but if you look around, you will see so am I and so is everyone else who has heard this! Not to mention, I don’t even get a discount except when I’m working. There isn’t a discount we can give certain people on or off the clock so please, shut up and don’t ask. The only discount at CFA is free water. So it would save everyone a lot of time if you just got used to it and weren’t looking for handouts. In fact, about that “friend”, I get that you’re poor, I am too. But handouts should only be for those who have worked hard to earn it. You can whine and moan all you want, but you still won’t get your discount. I’m still looking for one. It’s better to remember that “free” is never free.

I have actually given this some serious thought so bare with me. I listen to Christian music constantly in the car, I go to church nearly every week, and I find myself constantly talking about my faith to others, yet I am not a Jesus freak. I don’t mean that in a negative term. Jesus freak means that you live all out in praising God and Jesus constantly without a second doubt about your religion and are always thanking God for all the good and bad that you come across every day in your life. Also, I think that one of the “no duh” parts of being a Jesus Freak is to be reading the Bible constantly. So what gives?

Well when it comes to reading the Bible, I actually love reading all the teachings and life lessons because there are literally hundreds of things to learn. My problem is continuality; I get lazy. I will go multiple days reading and praying and then find myself feeling lazy and skip a day. That day turns into two days, which turns into three and so on. I have tried constant times to pick it up and go with it only to find myself lost. I tried a planned reading schedule created by the Billy Graham Foundation, the greatest leader in evangelism, only to get caught up with life and fall behind yet again.

As for not being a Jesus Freak, I feel like I can’t fit that sort of classification because I’m not like one of those  “role model Christians” who live out their life with constant praising and are always at every church event or post nothing on social networking sites other than religiously based things. This is stupid to say, but I feel like I “sin too much” to even come close with Jesus Freaks. While there is no limit to separate different classifications of sinners, it’s like I’m in the shadows while they bask in the limelight. Then there’s the fact that I have a habit of questioning everything which can be a hypocritical thing to do being a Christian. I grew up to learn to question almost everything in order to find out the answer for yourself, but some of the biggest things not to criticize are the existence of God, how God was/if he was created, biological evolution, humans vs. dinosaurs, and how one supreme being could create all the microscopic complexities that exist within a human body AND THEN create an even more complex companion (women). I think however the one thing that most perplexes me is the idea of free will. It’s like the one thing scientists and Christians agree on, because of free will, humans are the root of the destruction of the planet. Anyways, I can list multiple reasons why I don’t see myself as a Jesus Freak only for someone to poke a hole in my logic, but in simplest terms, it the fact that I don’t find myself on the same level.

I’m also not trying to get someone else to re-evaluate their belief and where they stand on Christianity, this idea has just been in my head for a bit and I felt like I finally could vent it out. Pardon the Bible pun, but I guess you can say there’s a time for everything.

There’s always those times where we feel like like is pointless and any chance at succeeding at a certain task seems utterly hopeless. Well while I was feeling like that yesterday after realizing that certain aspects at work just weren’t going to go the way I had hoped. Now today, I can tell that while it won’t go the way I had hoped, I can at least be happy in knowing that I still have time to change things even slightly for the better. The only hope is to survive the summer in as best of shape as I can before deciding where to go from there. Being tired from lack of sleep and tired of how I constantly feel both need to change. The hard part is forcing myself to make that change or else nothing will be better. Talking the talk is easy, but when it comes to putting the gears in motion, you just have to dig down deep and push on.
Using a lame quote like “its always darkest before the dawn” doesn’t matter until things change. I constantly say stuff like that, but little do things actually change. People who refuse to change die off and are forgotten. Those who do change, are remembered.