Stuck in the Rut of a Broken Wheel

Posted: September 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

There are so many questions that always run through my mind everyday like: Do I still have friends? What level of friends? What am I doing wrong?

I think our society has gotten to the point to where if we are not in constant contact with someone, we become depressed due to the ease of access my generation grew up on. The easy answer is yes, I do have friends, but not all are needed all the time. With best friends, you can go a week or more without contact and yet still hang out acting as if you saw each other yesterday. Outside of that, other friends you can go months without contact and casually reconnect. Yet, still there is that sense of loneliness. The sense that everyone else has their own plans to entertain their mundane lifestyles without you in it. While they do have their own plans, most are often taken up by work or family obligations. I for one, work non-stop it seems always at work doing whatever it takes to get more money to have more than enough for the next bill. Although it never feels like I can reach that point where I can relax and be happy. Why? Because I feel like there is no one I can hang out with. It is hard to plan when your off days are when you need sleep the most. Plus everyone has a life that is not solely dependent on hanging out and spending money.

Then there are the ones about work: Am I any good? How can they trust me? What if I can’t do it? and Why me?

These questions actually come up quite often. I’m always wondering if I am any good because I seem to mess up most of the time. While I know why they can trust me, (I’ve been there over a year and am pretty good at my job), it is always when the boss comes or right when he goes that something goes epically wrong. I already know of things I need to fix when I go back in, plus I always get criticized for people not doing their jobs as if I can watch them 24/7 while I get the things done needed elsewhere. So what if? I think that is the fear everyone has. The fear that they will just let their boss, or anyone, down. I did just that this weekend. So why me? As much as I love the responsibility and the respect I get from it, I see far more experienced coworkers who go above and beyond, yet are satisfied with where they are at. It is crazy to think that things finally seem okay after the period of chaos. But what if it is just a smoke curtain about to reveal chaos once again?

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