Archive for September, 2014

I had the “pleasure” of listening to a conservative talk show discussing how some lady became upset that their neighbor flew a Mexican flag in Texas. Her reasoning? “This is America, not Mexico.” Really?? I had no idea. Being a conservative, this pointless sense of nationalism is rather annoying because it makes no sense.

Considering how Texas was controlled by Spain and later Mexico, the fact that Texans get upset by this is ridiculous. Yes, Texas was mostly full of Americans during both Spain and Mexico’s rulings, but it doesn’t give people the right to bash what really is an important flag in our state’s history. Really if it wasn’t for Sam Houston getting lucky in the Battle of San Jacinto, there wouldn’t be a Republic of Texas that had the chance to be a state. So as much as people don’t want to recognize the truth, the Mexican flag is very important in how we became the state we are.

The only flags that could be slammed reasonably are the Spanish and French flags. Spain because they let such a great opportunity go to waste by not investing enough into such a vast amount of land like they should have. France did the least to govern Texas. In fact, no one in France really cared about Texas except for the fact that Spain wanted it (that mindset went both ways). France didn’t even want it. They made an agreement with Spain not to sell it to the US…well guess what happened then? The Louisiana Purchase with none other than America. Not only that, it was the best land deal ever! Besides the LP, they did nothing.

Basically, we owe our cocky attitude to Mexico by having an insane and cowardly leader (Santa Anna) and giving us our inspiration for independence. Really, the defining moment for inspiration could be the post-Alamo assassination of Davy Crockett, who really is over-celebrated for only being in Texas for 2 months.

So complain all you want about the wrong flag, its Texas, we appreciate our flag more than our own country’s. There’s nothing wrong with waving the Mexican flag so long as you its not annoying to the mass, like calling for a revolution or bashing this country/refusing to melt into the heritage of society.

Stuck in the Rut of a Broken Wheel

Posted: September 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

There are so many questions that always run through my mind everyday like: Do I still have friends? What level of friends? What am I doing wrong?

I think our society has gotten to the point to where if we are not in constant contact with someone, we become depressed due to the ease of access my generation grew up on. The easy answer is yes, I do have friends, but not all are needed all the time. With best friends, you can go a week or more without contact and yet still hang out acting as if you saw each other yesterday. Outside of that, other friends you can go months without contact and casually reconnect. Yet, still there is that sense of loneliness. The sense that everyone else has their own plans to entertain their mundane lifestyles without you in it. While they do have their own plans, most are often taken up by work or family obligations. I for one, work non-stop it seems always at work doing whatever it takes to get more money to have more than enough for the next bill. Although it never feels like I can reach that point where I can relax and be happy. Why? Because I feel like there is no one I can hang out with. It is hard to plan when your off days are when you need sleep the most. Plus everyone has a life that is not solely dependent on hanging out and spending money.

Then there are the ones about work: Am I any good? How can they trust me? What if I can’t do it? and Why me?

These questions actually come up quite often. I’m always wondering if I am any good because I seem to mess up most of the time. While I know why they can trust me, (I’ve been there over a year and am pretty good at my job), it is always when the boss comes or right when he goes that something goes epically wrong. I already know of things I need to fix when I go back in, plus I always get criticized for people not doing their jobs as if I can watch them 24/7 while I get the things done needed elsewhere. So what if? I think that is the fear everyone has. The fear that they will just let their boss, or anyone, down. I did just that this weekend. So why me? As much as I love the responsibility and the respect I get from it, I see far more experienced coworkers who go above and beyond, yet are satisfied with where they are at. It is crazy to think that things finally seem okay after the period of chaos. But what if it is just a smoke curtain about to reveal chaos once again?

I Am Alone

Posted: September 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am alone. The world which shook at my feet…and the trees…and the sky have gone. And I am alone now. Alone.

There has always been something omnipresent in my family that we have struggled with, just as everyone else struggles; feeling alone. As I sit here tonight, no one to talk to, no one to listen. I am alone. Alone with my thoughts, and alone with my memories. Memories of what I missed out of and the friends from the past that did not stay to the present. The silence fills the room as thick as the viscosity of the darkness. The happiness that occurs during the day fades with the setting sun and once again, I am alone. This is not a cry for help or a need for understanding, this is me being honest about me. You can want to help, try you’re hardest, but know, because you’re human, you will need to recover, and once again, I am alone. I learned of my family’s loneliness through tough times shared and painful memories experienced, but we rose above it together. So while I have my family to always be there, there is not enough light to block the shadow that haunts me in my sleep like a blanket of the void waiting for me to relax.

So while I have friends, family, people who care, and those who are better of not caring, they are not me. They are not what I need to get through every day in the usual spirit that I fake. They are not me, nor my energy. They shouldn’t be either. This is not their fight, this is mine. It is not depression or a calling for help, this is life. The life that throws you into the dirt so you can dust yourself off and get thrown down again. It is every meandering curve and twist on this rollercoaster. It is the up and downs and all arounds that we experience. So the past has faded and all I knew has changed as more things come and go, but that is okay, life is that way. So I am surrounded by help, but in order to control my life, I must know, I am alone.

The wind bites now and the world is grey. And I am alone here.