Archive for July, 2014

My Secrets, My Nightmares

Posted: July 19, 2014 in Uncategorized

Every night I lie awake, pondering about what dreadful mistake I will make tomorrow based on the ones I made today. I think of the failures I have done, the ones I’m doing, and the ones I will do simply because failure is inevitable. What is the point to look towards the new day dawning at the crest of the continuous sky when all there is, are dark and stormy clouds towering and expanding as vast as the sun’s rays? When someone asks me of what I dreamt about, I usually say nothing or some fleeing memory of happier times. What I don’t tell them, what I keep inside, is the truth. The truth is, I dream of death. I don’t mean to dream of death and who means to? I dream of such darkness because it is ultimately what I fear the most and to conquer the fear, you must face it head on. So there is no point in looking for that ray of sunshine because the forecast is a gray-cast clouds for as long as I exist. Fear what you dream so that you get it over with because fearing death is like fearing to breathe, while we don’t want to think about it, it is truly inevitable.

My nightmares are not always death, sometimes it can be happier things like having friends or finding love, both of which I never excel at, but in all honesty, never commit to trying. When having friends, you only want to think about how many things in common you have with each other and how entertained you are in each other’s company. What you refuse to think about is the fact that in five or ten years, you will most likely never talk to them ever again for one reason or another. The similar aspect goes for relationships, while you’re stuck on cloud nine, I would ponder the successfulness of what is to come and how soon it may all wither again to nonexistence. However, it is not like I try to make this happen, I just become realistic at the most inconvenient times and question “now that it has started, how long until it ends?” By asking this, I do not mean that I would want it to end, after all, why start something if you don’t care about breathing life into it? I only mean that the probability of failure is relatively high given that I am featured in the equation, and that is the problem, me.

Along with death and happiness, one more fear is my secrets, the things I know as fact, but only other people know as rumors in the wind. Some of the things I know can destroy me simply because it would turn everyone against me. While I am not entirely too afraid of this, simply because it has already happened, it is not something I would gladly look forward to. Everyone knows a few of my secrets because in some aspects, I am an open book. However, most of the time, there are things that I keep secret so no one knows. Things like: What really led to my sophomore year of high school being so dangerous?, or Who do I really blame for my parents’ divorce and the grudges that still linger over a decade later?, then there is the one I fear most, what kind of monster am I since no one knows?. To know the answers to these questions and many like them, you would have to know me better than I know myself. My secrets are the nightmares locked in the dark and creped corners of my heart at which are only accessed during my darkest times and may never see the light of day. My secrets are my nightmares. My nightmares are my monster. And my monster is me.

“The whole blear world
of smoke and twisted steel
around my head in a railroad
car, and my mind wandering
past the rust into futurity:
I saw the sun go down
in a carnal and primeval
world, leaving darkness
to cover my railroad train
because the other side of the
world was waiting for dawn.” 
 Allen Ginsberg


To Spur, Two Spur

Posted: July 9, 2014 in Uncategorized

So for the July 4th weekend, I went to Spur, Texas, for a family reunion. It is one of my favorite parts of the year because I get to escape the city life and catch up with family that I just recently got the chance to know. Due to my dad’s grudge against my mom’s family, I never really got the chance to grow a relationship with her side until about a year or two ago. These people went out of their way to make sure we were doing great from afar. Like it practically made their day if I ran into them somewhere and actually said “hi”. Like you don’t find family more caring than that. There’s always something to learn from family reunions that you just can’t learn elsewhere, other than the five-hour road trip to and from Spur. For such a small town, it has created big memories. I guess this is where the advice or smart part comes in, in three parts: 1) Never try to light 2 fireworks next to each other, one will fall over before exploding; 2) Avoid the tea when stirred by a hand, no matter how clean it is; 3) If you go to Spur without having a Dixie Dog, well bless your heart.
“To get to Spur, you must go two Spur.”

In about the early 20th century,  there was a circus elephants who killed her trainer and a few other guests.  In response,  the owner decided that hanging would be the best death. So they led Mary out to a railroad,  tethered a foot to the track and hoisted her up by a chain around her neck. Then when the chain broke from the overwhelming weight,  Mary fell and broke her hip.  Another part of the problem was that her foot stayed tethered to the railroad. Afterwards,  they hoisted another chain on Mary and successfully hung her.
If this doesn’t bother you,  then how is this different than a cat or dog being hung? While this is an extreme case,  circus elephants go through various tortures through being poked by bull hooks in sensitive areas,  forced into unnatural positions to perform tricks, beaten until they perform out of fear,  shackled and crammed into tight spaces no bigger than the average car for up to 20 hours a day.  Often their cages are not cleaned everyday so they are left to stand in their filth constantly. This is truth of the circus after the fun is had and the lights have faded. At the end of the night,  it isn’t the clowns who are truly unhappy,  it is the elephants.
So how do we fix this problem? Protests and boycotts. Protest by publicly showing that the circus is wrong for humiliating elephants for profit. By boycotting,  the circuses lose money and lose chances to torture these beasts. They shouldn’t have to be tortured to make us happy.