Archive for October, 2013

The Un-Nerdy History Nerd

Posted: October 30, 2013 in Uncategorized

Ever since middle school (as far as I can remember), people have labeled me as a history nerd. I do find history fascinating, read books related to history, and enjoy any history class I take, but the thing is, I don’t feel like a nerd.

Apparently I act, dress, and look just how a nerd is suppose to be like. I’m socially awkward, I have a horrendous sense of fashion, and my persona gives off the vibe of a nerd. Then why do I not feel like an actual nerd?? I study endlessly about the American Revolution and the creation of the Constitution, but the more I study, the less of a nerd I feel. If I’m tested over the subject, then I’ll usually get a quarter of the questions wrong. That is not what a nerd does, a nerd gets everything right, all the time. So I dislike to agree to people who call me a nerd because I don’t feel like one. When put under pressure, I freeze up and shoot in the dark. This is especially humiliating when it is a group assignment and people depend on me to know every aspect on the topic simply because “I am the history nerd and I know everything about it”. I’m not God, I’m not perfect, I cannot be expected to answer every question perfect every time. There is nothing more humiliating than when your flaws are pointed out in public, especially in front of your own friends. So while I maybe the dictionary definition of a nerd, I don’t feel like one. So what is someone suppose to do in that situation? I’ll never be the ideal nerd everyone thinks I am. That is the fact. I will still do what I like to do, which is to learn more, but I still won’t feel like the nerd I’m suppose to be.

God rocks geology

Posted: October 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

So as I write this, I should be studying for my geology test that I have tomorrow, but I am in the void where I am too tired to study, but too awake to sleep. It seems to be a rocky situation lol

 

Anyways, I have once again returned to the pondering question, “Why is God so important to me?” This would be an easy answer if I knew how to detail it. Simply put, God (religion in general) was the one constant thing my sophomore year when I sunk to my lowest and so every time I feel lost, I turn to the Bible. I have been make excuses lately for not reading like “I have too much homework” or “I’m too far behind to catch up on the reading plan.” I do believe 100% that when you stray from the Bible, God constantly reminds you inside to show how important His Word is. Its also not easy to dedicate myself when it feels like I am the only one who tries to be at least the denotative Christian. In reality, a true Christian should be more than the dictionary’s definition, they should make it obvious that Christ is in them and shinning like a beacon for others to find. Christ should be so deeply rooted that things like pornography or lust does not even cross a guy’s mind. With the world we live in unfortunately, sex is everywhere and testing our hearts every moment of every day. God is more than just a deity of a religion, He is Lord of all.

Probably one of the hardest times to be a Christian is when everyone who isn’t a fellow believer, mocks you and what you believe. Ironically, these are the same people who criticize Christians for not being more respectful of other people’s religions. If fitting in and “being cool” means to turn your back on God, be the outcast who walks in His light. People are going to laugh at you, mock you, and use the Lord’s name in vain around you simply because you’re a Christian and it bugs you, but if you hold your head up high and stay true to His Word, then you will be reassured in knowing that you will be by His side come Judgment Day.

 

Be like a geode, be tough because God rocks.

It Ain’t Easy

Posted: October 22, 2013 in Uncategorized

I have discovered that it really is difficult to understand what someone is going through a difficult time unless you have gone through a similar situation. Now instead of trying to find sympathy for others, I’m the one going through this particular hard time. I never thought it would be this difficult to complete small stuff from getting something to drink to getting ready for school. Not being able to put weight on my leg seems to put more weight on my shoulders. Not the same literal weight though. The hardest thing is to take a shower, but I won’t go into detail on that. I know people expect me to do normal things like hang out or go special events with them, but it is a really difficult thing to do, let alone prepare for. I know this frustrates everyone since I am not able to spend as much time with them as I used to, but it frustrates me more than anyone because this is a very limiting injury. It bothers me to be so dependent on people because I was raised to be self-reliant. So if I ever decline something, please do not take it too much to heart, it is just really difficult for me to get around, not to mention also it is very horrifying. This nightmare will be over soon, but until then, bare with me because while I won’t be the best person to always hang out with now, I’ll be back to normal soon. Soon it will all me memories and scars, but I will be healed and back to being productive. So while you may think I am just being stubborn or paranoid, remember that it will just be a thing of the past in a couple of weeks.
 
It ain’t easy, but it is necessary.

A Pain in the Boot

Posted: October 20, 2013 in Uncategorized

The more I progress in healing, the more I discover new pains that weren’t there before. They gave me the fracture boot to replace the stint so that my foot would heal faster and I would be able to let my leg breathe, not having to be wrapped up so much. This boot decreased some of the swelling, or at least moved it around, but it also made my foot sit at an uncomfortable angle. While it felt that my foot was being bent as high as a normal foot can bend (probably 30 degrees above normal), it was really just forcing my foot to sit flat. Well, my foot hated that. This instantly made my ankle tense up, but worse, it made some of my toes hurt. The only way it wouldn’t hurt so much would be if I had an ice pack on my toes all the time. This is difficult when you’re not at home. The small ice packs that would conveniently fit would get warm quickly and I would have to go to the nurses office to trade it out. I really do think they pitied my because I would always describe the pain as if it was getting worse. It was actually getting better and now it only occasionally hurts if I have my foot in the boot too long. As good as it is that my foot is healing relatively fast, I really cannot wait to return to work. As soon as I can stand for 2 or more hours, I will return. Words cannot describe how much I dislike having to have help to do the most simple of tasks. To make it worse, I had a dream last night that I could walk without the boot or crutches. Then I woke up and realized that it was just a dream.
 
So as I write this, the pain continues, as it will for weeks and weeks. There are a lot that makes life difficult, but not being able to walk has proven one of the most difficult when it comes to everyday tasks. So I will take this day for day and hope that normal comes sooner than anyone expects. I miss those Daily things… because this is a literal pain in the…boot.

I have literally never felt more disconnected from the world than now. As I am forced to lay here in bed doing nothing but waste the day away, I can’t help but think what is going on else where. I can’t live by a schedule hardly anymore because there’s no where I need to be. I can’t go to school until after the surgery on Friday and I can’t go to work for at least a month or longer because I can’t put any weight on my left foot. I don’t get to hang out with friends or go to the crazy amount of marching band competitions coming up this month. The boredom I could handle if I could walk still, but then I would prevent myself from all this boredom by working and keeping busy. All this free time makes me think, too much thinking leads to sad thoughts, and sad thoughts lead to depressing blog posts. I can’t do much with my right hand because that wrist is either just sore or sprained, either way, I can’t afford to think about it.

Above all else, what I am most annoyed about with having a broken leg, is the fact that I have to be even more dependent on people more than I was. My family has this thing of pride where we want to show that we can survive on our own and be independent. Then again, everyone who is independent, has a car and two healthy legs. People think I’m overreacting when I stress out about having to borrow or depend on people to┬ádo something, but now I have to get help just to do something simple like carrying a bag or a cup without a lid. These small things we all take for granted, but I can’t do for at least a month. Sure some people are comforting and optimistic in saying that the time will fly by quickly, but the truth is that it won’t. One day feels like forever, the rest of humanity seems like a distant dream, and the day-to-day interactions that I grew so accustom to now seem like a distant memory.

So I am broken in more ways than just the two bones in my leg. I am broken emotionally, morally, and energetically. But I will not fall again. Just because I can hardly move physically and all the money I’ve worked for is being whisked away, doesn’t mean I accept it and give up, I refuse. Happiness is meant to be pursued and that is what I will do.

 

“To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield…”