An Update For Nobody

Posted: August 26, 2015 in Uncategorized

its amazing how my last post was in February! So much has changed since then. The few friends I had when I was at the peak of blogging have all moved on. I cannot even recall the last time I spoke to anyone of them. Since my last post, I have attained the credits for an Associates Degree, accepted and deferred going to UNT, met several new friends, finally switched to iPhone and let go of past grudges that were holding me back.

Probably the scariest thing is realizing that I have a very good chance of developing dementia. Woo. But I have also decided not to let that hold me back on living life. We’re not meant to live forever and I’m okay with that because “we’re all stories in the end, so why not make it a good one, eh?” 

Three things I’m really excited for that are coming up:

  1. I’m attending UNT in the Spring!
  2. I’ve met several great friends that push me to do better
  3. I’m seeing Walk the Moon in October!!!

So while I don’t get to talk to anyone I used to be friends/best friends with, I don’t regret any of it because it’s something to learn from. Who knows, it could all be for the better? I guess we’ll see!


Lost Stars

Posted: February 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

Here I am, at it again. I’m blogging when I should be sleeping. Sometimes your mind just won’t let you sleep.

It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run looking for meaning.

But are we all lost stars trying to light up this dark?

One thing I’ve noticed lately is that the more I try to better myself and my life, the more useless it feels. The people I used to be close to are doing their own thing. I guess this is the cruelty of growing up. I can at least say that most of it wasn’t taken for granted as I tried to live for the moment, even when It wasn’t as fun. I’ve tried things and avoided others, what I have learned will help along the way. But for now I lie here thinking of tomorrow and the games that it will play.

Traveling Down A Separate Path

Posted: November 13, 2014 in Uncategorized

Back I am with a new late night post…


A couple of things have happened lately that has brightened my future while casting a sorrowful shadow on a bit of my past. I was accepted into Tarleton State University where I will transfer in the Spring. Now this will be a quick turn around from what I’m used to with TCC and living at home, especially since most of the classes are already taken. That of itself is the biggest bummer of all. I can’t even sign up for classes yet until they process everything. Hopefully it will be soon. Yet, what I am most excited about is also the most saddening…I’m leaving. Now I know I am blowing it greatly out of proportion like I will never see home again, but as I am not a person accustom to change, each time something changes, I go dramatic. While I know I’m going to enjoy being a Texan and befriending people who “get” me in the sense where I’ve always felt left out, being a history nerd, I can’t help but be sad that I will pretty much cut off any remaining ties to my friends in the area.

 I guess it shouldn’t affect me too much since with work and all, everyone has had to move on since I can rarely hang out or even talk. To put it in perspective, I never talk to either one of my best friends anymore because all of our schedules are constantly conflicting. They have their own lives now and while I suppose to some degree its due to my lack of attention, I like to think it is for the better and that we all have our own paths to venture down. Probably the most humorous part is that the most humble of friends is no longer single and was able to find happiness, while the most selfish is quite single.

 On the flip side to the coin, I am at a place with work that I used to long to be, manager. While sometimes I wish that someone else would close all the time, I am lucky that I can be trusted to always close the store as often as I do. Plus doing so allows me to be lucky enough to occasionally ask for two days off for school purposes, but if things change, they know I am a quick phone call away.

Looking on it, I am really excited that I finally get to kick start the path to my future and while it is really exciting, its more nerve wracking because I have to dive all in whether I’m ready or not.

“Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard.” – Dave Mustaine

I had the “pleasure” of listening to a conservative talk show discussing how some lady became upset that their neighbor flew a Mexican flag in Texas. Her reasoning? “This is America, not Mexico.” Really?? I had no idea. Being a conservative, this pointless sense of nationalism is rather annoying because it makes no sense.

Considering how Texas was controlled by Spain and later Mexico, the fact that Texans get upset by this is ridiculous. Yes, Texas was mostly full of Americans during both Spain and Mexico’s rulings, but it doesn’t give people the right to bash what really is an important flag in our state’s history. Really if it wasn’t for Sam Houston getting lucky in the Battle of San Jacinto, there wouldn’t be a Republic of Texas that had the chance to be a state. So as much as people don’t want to recognize the truth, the Mexican flag is very important in how we became the state we are.

The only flags that could be slammed reasonably are the Spanish and French flags. Spain because they let such a great opportunity go to waste by not investing enough into such a vast amount of land like they should have. France did the least to govern Texas. In fact, no one in France really cared about Texas except for the fact that Spain wanted it (that mindset went both ways). France didn’t even want it. They made an agreement with Spain not to sell it to the US…well guess what happened then? The Louisiana Purchase with none other than America. Not only that, it was the best land deal ever! Besides the LP, they did nothing.

Basically, we owe our cocky attitude to Mexico by having an insane and cowardly leader (Santa Anna) and giving us our inspiration for independence. Really, the defining moment for inspiration could be the post-Alamo assassination of Davy Crockett, who really is over-celebrated for only being in Texas for 2 months.

So complain all you want about the wrong flag, its Texas, we appreciate our flag more than our own country’s. There’s nothing wrong with waving the Mexican flag so long as you its not annoying to the mass, like calling for a revolution or bashing this country/refusing to melt into the heritage of society.

Stuck in the Rut of a Broken Wheel

Posted: September 22, 2014 in Uncategorized

There are so many questions that always run through my mind everyday like: Do I still have friends? What level of friends? What am I doing wrong?

I think our society has gotten to the point to where if we are not in constant contact with someone, we become depressed due to the ease of access my generation grew up on. The easy answer is yes, I do have friends, but not all are needed all the time. With best friends, you can go a week or more without contact and yet still hang out acting as if you saw each other yesterday. Outside of that, other friends you can go months without contact and casually reconnect. Yet, still there is that sense of loneliness. The sense that everyone else has their own plans to entertain their mundane lifestyles without you in it. While they do have their own plans, most are often taken up by work or family obligations. I for one, work non-stop it seems always at work doing whatever it takes to get more money to have more than enough for the next bill. Although it never feels like I can reach that point where I can relax and be happy. Why? Because I feel like there is no one I can hang out with. It is hard to plan when your off days are when you need sleep the most. Plus everyone has a life that is not solely dependent on hanging out and spending money.

Then there are the ones about work: Am I any good? How can they trust me? What if I can’t do it? and Why me?

These questions actually come up quite often. I’m always wondering if I am any good because I seem to mess up most of the time. While I know why they can trust me, (I’ve been there over a year and am pretty good at my job), it is always when the boss comes or right when he goes that something goes epically wrong. I already know of things I need to fix when I go back in, plus I always get criticized for people not doing their jobs as if I can watch them 24/7 while I get the things done needed elsewhere. So what if? I think that is the fear everyone has. The fear that they will just let their boss, or anyone, down. I did just that this weekend. So why me? As much as I love the responsibility and the respect I get from it, I see far more experienced coworkers who go above and beyond, yet are satisfied with where they are at. It is crazy to think that things finally seem okay after the period of chaos. But what if it is just a smoke curtain about to reveal chaos once again?

I Am Alone

Posted: September 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am alone. The world which shook at my feet…and the trees…and the sky have gone. And I am alone now. Alone.

There has always been something omnipresent in my family that we have struggled with, just as everyone else struggles; feeling alone. As I sit here tonight, no one to talk to, no one to listen. I am alone. Alone with my thoughts, and alone with my memories. Memories of what I missed out of and the friends from the past that did not stay to the present. The silence fills the room as thick as the viscosity of the darkness. The happiness that occurs during the day fades with the setting sun and once again, I am alone. This is not a cry for help or a need for understanding, this is me being honest about me. You can want to help, try you’re hardest, but know, because you’re human, you will need to recover, and once again, I am alone. I learned of my family’s loneliness through tough times shared and painful memories experienced, but we rose above it together. So while I have my family to always be there, there is not enough light to block the shadow that haunts me in my sleep like a blanket of the void waiting for me to relax.

So while I have friends, family, people who care, and those who are better of not caring, they are not me. They are not what I need to get through every day in the usual spirit that I fake. They are not me, nor my energy. They shouldn’t be either. This is not their fight, this is mine. It is not depression or a calling for help, this is life. The life that throws you into the dirt so you can dust yourself off and get thrown down again. It is every meandering curve and twist on this rollercoaster. It is the up and downs and all arounds that we experience. So the past has faded and all I knew has changed as more things come and go, but that is okay, life is that way. So I am surrounded by help, but in order to control my life, I must know, I am alone.

The wind bites now and the world is grey. And I am alone here.


As a pretty ignorant history major with a lot of lessons left to learn, there is one in particular that has become more relevant more and more as technology progresses: Is America really free?
To look at this, we have to look at our history. We are a country full of ironic meanings to the word free. We fought for it, enslaved others with it, liberated others under it, and took control of the world with it. So how are we not free? English set out to escape religious persecution as well as the right to have relatively free land, while others merely wanted gold and vast amounts of territories. Putting the loss of freedom for the Natives aside, I will mainly focus on the English colonists’ journey of independence in the name of freedom. Fast forward hundreds of years, from the Magna Carta to the English Bill of Rights, the pro-independence colonists referenced these magnificent historical documents as support for their quest for freedom. The colonists grew tired of being subjects to a country who disregarded their civil freedoms and went to arms. Tocqueville said that man is by nature prone to laziness, unless he wants something better. That “something better” is exactly what the colonists wanted; freedom. They fought a revolution under the banner “all men are created equal*,however equal did not mean equal in the modern sense. Modern history loses the small, but important paragraph in the declaration that was edited out: fading out slavery. Jefferson originally intended to free every slave. Due to this important section being left out, every generation is taught to question, “If Jefferson wrote ‘all men are created equal,’ why did he still own slaves?” While Jefferson did want to eventually extinguish slavery, he and many other Northern founding fathers could not conjure up an effective plan to transition away from the greatest assistance to an important cash crop that carried the economy of a pre-Industrial Revolution America as well as Virginia, Jefferson’s and Washington’s home state. He did however, attempt to include this important clause:
He has waged cruel war against human nature itself, violating its most sacred rights of life and liberty in the persons of a distant people who never offended him, captivating & carrying them into slavery in another hemisphere or to incur miserable death in their transportation thither.
What Jefferson is detailing, is the wrong that King George III has committed in allowing these innocent foreigners to be forced into slavery far from their homes and forced to endure torture to this new land. 
Through trial and error, the people of America learned what did and did not work when it came to nationwide and individual freedoms, especially with the Bill of Rights. While this idea of freedom faded until the Civil War and the fight for freedom for all, the idea of free was still not fully achieved. We passed constitutional amendments to make black men free, then women, and eventually women, yet we were missing the big key to unlocking freedom. During the Roaring 20s, there was the feeling of freedom, however that was temporary due to WWI and the Great Depression.
Ever so often, we find a sense of peace knowing we have freedom, then a tragedy will come along and we voluntarily give it up for security. This is most notable following 9/11/2001. We gave up a large sense of freedom so we could be more safe, like being checked at airports, federal wire taps on the public, and certain instances of our freedom of speech. So as long as we crave security, complete freedom is impossible.
So go on, soar near and far, but know this: freedom was, is, nor will ever be free.